Ah, life. It has been too long since I've written. Bad, Kelly, bad. Welp, I am not even sure where to begin. I don't even know what's for dinner tonight. I don't know how the laundry has piled back up again.
I'm pretty sure Jimmy changes his underwear more than the average person, but I can't prove it. I am supposed to take a pregnancy test on Thursday, but I feel like it will be negative. Whoa, she just jumped right in there! It's getting real, folks. This will be the fourth time I have taken Clomid. So where do we go from here? Heck if I know. Having a baby has turned into some sort of science experiment. Take this, inject that. Ultrasounds every two days to make sure your ovaries are not becoming hyperactive--that could be dangerous. BEWARE! Super-ovaries on patrol! Jimmy and I met with Dr. Pinto this past Friday to discuss our "options." They are:
1.) Clomid with insemination (5% success per try)--More Clomid? Blah! Maybe if I want to spontaneously combust. Damn hot flashes. At night, at work, all day. And don't get me started on the GI upset. Although that is kind of my norm, it is getting old.
2.) Hormone injections with insemination (10-15% per try)--This is the option where we have to worry about super-ovaries!
3.) IVF (65-75% per try and a balls-ton of money!)--scary.
Honestly, it felt weird to sit in his office and throw around dollar signs when discussing a possible future child. Just how much are you willing to pay for your dream? Just how much are you willing to subject your body to in order to hold one of your own? Let me tell ya, it felt all sorts of superb to hear him tell us we now have <1% chance of getting pregnant if we do nothing. I guess once you cross that "Clomid didn't work" line they just slap a big red sticker on your forehead that says "DENIED!" I think my biggest question lately has been, "Are we pushing this too hard?" Am I "playing God" by forcing this? By taking Jimmy's swimmers and my eggs and playing lab rat? Is there a reason it has come to this? So. Many. Damn. Questions. Surely I am not the only woman to feel this way or have these questions, at least I hope not. If anyone else has gone through this and thought the same, I would love to hear your perspective.
After we met with Dr. Pinto, I had a good cry, and then proceeded to drown myself in the lives of fictional TV characters for the rest of the day. That seemed easier. Avoidance. I then worked all weekend, so I haven't had much time to process all of this. I did talk to Cigna (my insurance through Children's) and they cover insemination up to $2,000. It is not a lot, but it helps. They do not cover any of IVF. So... that's where we are at with the baby making/dysfunctional lady bits saga. Clear as mud. Big decisions to make for a perpetually indecisive female.
The next order of business that has taken up residence in my already overloaded brain is my puppers, Gus. I honestly do not know what to do with him. He still eats, can still use his doggie door, and still tries to play with us and "wrestle" with Jimmy. Most days I don't think he is ready to be let go of. But then there are the days when I realize he can no longer go for walks, he is unable to do his "zoomies" in the back yard, and he can't chase squirrels. He can't do any of these things without falling. He basically sleeps or looks out the window all day and I think, "what kind of life is that for a dog?" And then I feel extremely guilty and selfish for keeping him alive and around with that sort of life. I go back and forth pretty much every day and it is exhausting. I hate to be cliche, but I need a sign. I basically need Gus to look me in the eye and say, "Mom, I can barely feel my effing legs anymore. It is time, and it is ok." Seeing as how I haven't managed to train Gus to speak yet, I don't see this happening any time soon. So, I am stuck with yet another impossible decision.
On the plus side (yes, dear readers, there is always a plus side):
-It is a beautiful day out back while I write this (being outside is a jump-start to the soul now that the hells of Texas summer are behind us).
-I have a stud muffin of a husband who just offered to pick up dinner because, as I mentioned earlier, I planned nor made anything for tonight (cut me some slack, I worked Sat/Sun night and just woke up a couple of hours ago. I don't even know what day it is).
-I have a family who loves me and the squishy of the squishiest niece and nephew. Last night we all had dinner together and I looked around and thought, "I wouldn't trade these crazies for the world," as Kasey is threatening to kill Eric for over-cooking her steak, dad is wearing an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt with boxers (only), everyone is talking shit about each others football teams (Oh, Texans...), and inappropriate banter is flying left and right. It was perfect. Except when I had to leave to go to work ;).
So, there are great things happening all around us. True, infertility, PCOS, and Wobbler's Syndrome are big, ugly son's of bitches (as well as childhood cancer, congenital heart disease, war, cruelty to animals...gah. I could go on and on.) I'm hoping answers come to us soon. I hope I'm not stuck in the "in between" for too long. I hope we make the right decisions. In the meantime, any advice or friendly words are welcome.
**Disclaimer: Sorry if this post came off as negative, whiny, woe is me, etc. It was not intended to be that way. It is really just my fears and uncertainties wrapped up in my perfectly sarcastic way. :) **
Until next time,
I been sleepwalking,
been wandering all night.
Trying to take what's lost and broke,
and make it right.
-Burning House by Cam