What a couple of weeks it has been. There have been great times, stressful times, tearful times, and gleeful times. That's the funny thing about time though, it just keeps moving you past all of those "times." I'll start by giving you all an update on my ovary and uterus issues. I need a better word for issues... something funny that makes me not feel like a reproductive failure. My...dysfunctional lady bits. Meh, that's not bad, I'll keep working on it. I can't even remember how many times I have seen Dr. Pinto in the past couple of weeks. A LOT. I've had so many lady bits ultrasounds I'm surprised I'm not glowing. I had two different ultrasounds to check out my uterus. One was pretty painful because they inserted a catheter and filled my uterus with fluid, yuck. The good thing is, although I have a uterine septum, it is small and will not require surgery. Score! One less thing to worry about (Of note, that particular ultrasound was not only crap-tastic because it hurt, but because I had my winter 2015 leg hair with me that day... I was mortified to say the least. Not enough to go home and shave though, le sigh). The next thing on the agenda was to try a round of clomid to see how I would respond. I took 50mg for 5 days and then went back and had another ultrasound. I showed no response. That was definitely a bummer moment. How was I going to get pregnant if I didn't even make any damn eggs? The plan was to come back in a week, get another ultrasound, and see if I was a late clomid bloomer. That was definitely a strange weekend. On one hand, I was filled with joy at Kasey and Eric's gender reveal party. On the other hand, I was standing in the background wondering if I would ever have a party like that of my own. I was cranky with my family all weekend and felt like an ass about that. I probably drove mom nuts with my neurotic party planning and having to make everything my version of perfect. I think it was because that party was the only thing in my control. Sometimes at work I feel like some patient's parents can get a little high-strung. But then I remember they have no control over their child's heart defect or cancer diagnosis. What they can control are things like feeds and pain medication and bath time. I'm not comparing my situation to theirs, but I think I finally get it. Sometimes when your life is spinning out of control you grasp at the little things to take, store in your brain, and then nit-pick at them until you're emotionally strung out. Not a pretty picture, but that's survival. That short week later, I went back to Dr. Pinto and was told I had produced one slightly small, but decent sized egg. Woo hoo! Go lady bits! There were mixed emotions with this news. I was very happy I could produce eggs, but it does trouble me that I ovulated 9 days later than my trusty Iphone app said I should. It will definitely make things difficult that I will never really know when I am ovulating. I see more ultrasounds in my future.
So, where does that leave us? Probably not where you all think it does. Jimmy and I had a really great chat out back Thursday night. I had my glass of wine, he had his beer and we talked about what we want and what we think is best. Not to get too personal, but I was told I had an egg and I better go home and try and fertilize it (that was graphic, sorry). Since the morning when I heard about this egg, (I didn't prepare for it, because I am slightly pessimistic and figured the ultrasound would read "barren wasteland") I had so many conflicting thoughts. I was excited to see if that was our egg, our baby! But I also kept having this nagging feeling that this wasn't the right time. Damn those nagging feelings. I understand if you all think I am crazy. You're probably thinking, "This girl is nuts! She keeps telling us she is scared that she can't have kids and then she has her shot and she denies it!" I know, I know...its pretty screwy. Unfortunately at this time, my head just isn't in it. My heart is. My heart yearns for a baby to hold and snuggle. But my head, my head is just a little down in the dumps lately. Depression is a very strong word to me, but I will admit I have been dealing with depression-like symptoms for a couple of months now. I think most of it has to do with PCOS (women with PCOS have a higher chance of having depression and anxiety--damn hormones) and a lot of it has to do with my weight and body-image issues. So, Jimmy and I decided that we would take a couple of months and get my head on straight, get healthy, and try when we both really feel like it is right. I feel pretty at peace with the decision. I am going to start seeing Dr. Pinto's health coach/dietitian, and I am going to start working out again. My competitive swimming days have always told me that I need to work out balls to the wall, and I think that has been a detriment to me. I don't need to train for a marathon, I just need to get active again. I think some activity will help with my brain funk too. Its not going to be easy, but I want to feel good about myself and happy about my life before I bring a tiny human into the picture.
On Friday, Jimmy and I went to go see the new Cinderella remake. It was really cute and put a smile on my face the entire time. A common line or theme throughout the movie was how Cinderella promised her mom she would live her life. She said to "live life with courage and be kind." This line from a child's Disney movie has stuck with me since we left the theater. What a simple phrase, but what power it holds. So, in closing this post, that is what I am going to strive for. To live my life with courage and to be kind. Kind to myself, kind to my loved ones, and kind to strangers. The world could use a little kindness. And at some point, we could all use just a little courage.
Until next time,