These Are My Confessions

September is now officially here and I must say this year is zooming by. Before you know it the Uggs will be broken out too soon, every third girl will have a PSL in their hands (Pumpkin Spice Latte, duh), and kids everywhere will start dreaming of what they want for Christmas.

Fall, then leading into winter can be a magical time. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is also the time of year when we all start eating what my Mama refers to as "winter foods." The foods that fill ya up good, the foods that are hearty in nature, and the foods that comfort you. Kasey and I recently found out that Mom considers spaghetti to be a winter food. Kasey and I eat spaghetti year round, actually we eat most of Mom's "winter foods" year round,  much to her chagrin. The hard part about this time of year is how to stay "healthy," and if you even care about that. Do you put on extra pounds in the fall/winter due to all of the parties, yummy snacks, and holidays? Do you look forward to cooler weather because you can hide away extra pounds with bulky sweaters and fluffy scarves? Or do you cringe at the thought of greasing up your body in order to fit into jeans everyday?

This year, as I have been seeing my fertility doc and his healthy living coach, I really have been trying to stay on the right path. Gluten free, dairy free, exercise. Which leads me to my first confession. The past 2-3 weeks I have fallen off the gluten free train. Bleh, I know. What a disappointment. I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. I'll be honest, there are days when I ask myself, "I wonder what you are doing to your insides by not sticking to a diet that makes you feel better?" Then there are days when I say "F-this, I don't care today." One would probably call that a lack of discipline. I do plan on jumping back on the train...so far today I haven't had any gluten. Woo! Since starting this journey, I have lost 11 lbs from my heaviest weight. I'll be the first to admit that I probably could have lost more if I had a teensy bit more, you guessed it, discipline. Discussing my weight leads me to my next confession: I body-shame myself on a weekly, if not daily basis. I hate that I do it. I hate that it has so much power over me. Did you know that I avoid the mirror when I get out of the shower? Did you know that when I get dressed I stare at all angles of myself and think ridiculous things like, "UGH! I wish that back-splooge would go away," or "Did I always have knee fat? Who the hell has knee fat? How do I even get rid of knee fat?" Now, I often wonder do I body-shame myself because I have a self-esteem problem (probably a little one) OR does the society we live in help contribute to this? I think it is safe to say that we live in a time when health is everything. I'm not saying it is a bad thing at all, I think it is great that people want to get healthy. But everywhere you look someone is selling Plexus, Advocare, It Works, etc. And every other person on my Facebook and Instagram is a wanna-be fitness model telling me about their macros. What in the sam-hell are macros? I'm of the era of carbs, proteins, fats, etc. Honestly, it all gets to be a little exhausting. It is not enough to just eat "healthy" anymore. It is not enough to just go for a walk. Now, it seems like I need to count every little thing going into my body. Now, it seems like I have to join CrossFit, or PureBarre in order to fit in with the health crowd. Now, now, don't get your panties all in a wad thinking I'm calling out healthy people, body builders, CrossFit-ers, or PureBarre-ers. I'm NOT. I think every person needs to find their "thing" in order to be healthy. I don't think any certain exercise regime is the one and only Holy Grail. I just wonder if anyone out there is happy just how they are?

When I first started seeing my fertility doc, he basically called me fat. Ooooh... the big F word. I prefer the other F word, but whatever. It stung a little, but I knew he was probably right. His delivery could have been better though. Last week I had a follow up with him and his health coach, Stephanie, and I must admit, I got a little angry. They basically sat there and told me I'm not doing enough. It is not enough. They want me to exercise 7 days a week. I looked them both straight in the eye and said, "No." I tried to explain to them how working nights works. I stay up all night, then sleep during the day to work again the next night. I told them I tried both working out after work and getting up early before work to work out. Both made me feel like I was dying a slow, sleep-deprived death. So, for my own sanity, I told them no. Again I ask, Is it NOT ENOUGH to just be active on my days off? To go for a walk or go for a swim? I am, admittedly, the worst kind of person. Whenever someone throws too much at me, I don't just start with baby steps, I do nothing. I get so worked up and overwhelmed that I do nothing. HA! I'm like that in every aspect of life though. Sometimes when I have too much housework to do, I do none of it. Its completely counter-intuitive, but hey, that's Kelly. Right now, at this time in my life, I am working on baby steps.

So, do we live in a body-obsessed world? A world run by the

Kardashian's? Are the Kardashian's evil because they are teaching young girls that in order to be beautiful you have to have plastic surgery, fake lips, fake eyelashes, and a perfectly make-upped face? Or are they their own people and they can do whatever the hell they want? I'm honestly not sure. I think they are a bit ridiculous, but isn't that me shaming them the same way I shame myself? Does skinniness equal healthiness? Does "plus size" equal laziness? I think that striving to be healthy is a great goal for anyone. I think that in order to live a long life, you have to take care of yourself. But, I also know that you can exercise everyday, eat paleo, and still get cancer later in life, or even right now. I think you need to find a balance of healthiness and what makes you happy. I guess I have one last confession: I want a rockin'-hot body and I envy the people that have one...but I don't know if I want to put in all that work to get it. And I think that's okay. The past couple of weeks I have been standing in the mirror and focusing on the good aspects my body. I say positive things instead of negative: "Oh, hey girl, your boobies are looking quite perky today!" Instead of, "You will never have a thigh gap, you tubby." It is a work in progress, but I do feel a bit of weight has been lifted. Maybe if I'm not so hard on myself, I'll be more likely to enjoy that walk instead of dreading it. Maybe if we all just love ourselves first, we can love each other a bit better. So go out there, find your groove, and do whatever YOU want to do.

What is it you like to do to be healthy? Do you even care about health? Do you think we live in a body-obsessed culture?

Until next time,

Kelly

People often say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. 

-Salma Hayek