Finding Yourself In This Crazy World

Alright. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Let's throw away all of the fluff, the platitudes, the bullshit. Sometimes life is hard. Plain and simple. And everyone is dealing with their own kind of hard. Children are fighting for their lives everyday at the place I call work. F-ing terrorists are strapping bombs to themselves and killing innocent people just trying to catch a flight or take the subway to work. So yeah, life is hard. 

But what do we do about it? How do we take our hard, sift through all of the muck, and come out whole on the other side? Most of you know some of the issues I faced last year in the baby-making department. Fertility treatments, feeling like crap, weight gain (being chubby sucks), night shift insomnia/narcolepsy (yes, you get both). Unfortunately, a lot of the baby stress bled into other categories of life and ended up making shit just that much harder. Jimmy and I's marriage suffered and we are still trying to figure out how to get back to where we were.

Brutal honesty here people.

I am that odd person that when life gets me down I teeter-totter between wallowing in self-pity, bra-less, while eating popcorn and binge-watching three different Netflix shows because, DAMMIT, there are TOO many to choose from... and being this determined, ass-kicking stranger that WILL figure life out and make all of her dreams come true-- the castle, pony, mini pig and all. I guess I kind of live in extremes.

Last month I was in the bra-less stage. Hell, last Wednesday I was there. But today, I am the castle-getting bad ass. Or at least I want to be. I've realized lately that I kind of let 2015 swallow me up and spit me out. If I am not careful, 2016 will do the same. It is the end of March. How the heck did that happen?

I went over everything that has been bogging me down. I made a list and then thought about how I can improve on each factor that was the shit-i-cane of 2015.

Here it goes:

Chubby McChubsters- every person views their body differently. I know that my skin hasn't fused with the couch, and I am not calling the fire department to get me out of the house, but I am also not happy with where I am at (shocker). I used to feel pretty. Heck, I used to feel sexy. I want that back. Kelly's (attempting) to get her groove back people! So, I did the Whole30, learned what my body likes and doesn't like. I am also learning to cut myself some slack every once in awhile. If I want some damn chocolate, I am going to have some. And that is okay. I am also starting to workout. This morning I went to Camp Gladiator with my friend Christine (I was terrified). But I really liked it. I felt motivated for the first time in a long time.

Mawiage, Mawiage- [If you don't know what movie this is from, you aren't really living]. Welp, I am definitely learning that, as cliche as it sounds, communication is key. I am, admittedly, a stuffer. Meaning I take my feelings, dwell, dwell, dwell, dwell.... dwell some more, stuff them away and let them bubble to the point of boiling and I explode. I'm not saying it is a healthy way to live, but it's my way. I think this is why I like writing. Because I am crap with voicing how I feel out loud. But, you gotta suck it up and spew it. So, that's what I am working on. Getting our marriage back on track by talking through things. It is hard.

Baby love, my baby love- hmm. Where do I even begin to explain how drastically my thoughts have changed on this subject. I feel a little nuts to be honest. I believe I have said this before, but there's nothing like dealing with infertility to make you realize you are not ready for a child. I feel like I am working on trying to truly live for the first time in years, not just going through the motions. It is an exciting feeling, and with that came the bombshell that I want to push off having kids for awhile. If I really try to understand it, I think that I was trying to just stay status quo. High school, college, find a job, get married, have a baby. But, that is not how it has to be. I have a job, but I am actively pursuing another passion of mine. I don't have to have a baby just because that is what is expected to come next. So I'm not going to right now. I am trying to figure out what I want out of life, and this was a big first step.

You are the author of your own life story, so make it a good one- nerd alert here. I started my second writing class at SMU last night. When I sit down in those tiny, uncomfortable, made-for-toddler desks and I listen and learn from 6-9pm... MAN! My synapses are firing, my heart pitter-patters, and BOOM. I realize that is right where I want to be. It's not always easy. In fact, it can be down right stressful. But I love it. Man, do I love it. We are starting to develop the idea for our novels. Creating the world in which I will bring a character to life. Shit, I hope it is good. On the side, outside of class, I am writing my own fun book. It might not ever see the light of day, but I love sitting down and typing a couple of pages here and there. I guess we will see how it goes!

Adventure is out there!- Last year I did a lot of sitting around by myself on the couch. Too lazy or insecure to head out into the world and actually do something. I am changing that too. Interacting with friends, getting out of the house... it is good for the soul. Some days, I have to force my introverted self out, but I always enjoy myself when I do. Friendships are important. Girl time is important. To all my gals out there, thanks for letting me into your lives.

Well, that is about it for now. How is everyone else's 2016 going so far? Are there changes you are making in your life? Let me know!

Until next time,

Kelly