Do you ever wish you could float through life without feeling every little knick to your heart or kick to your spirit? That the overwhelming responsibility of our lives just rolled off our back like water over rocks?
Now, of course I'm not saying I don't want to feel. I'm just saying I don't always want to feel so much. Sometimes my brain goes around and around, and I end up right where I started.
Last week, my Grandpa passed away. He was a good man of few words, with a perpetual smile always plastered on his face. He loved to tinker and garden, and the man could get a sun tan darker than dark (jealous). I think with all death, comes reflection. A time to look at yourself and think about what matters most. I've thought about this a lot this past week. I've cried, laughed, had anxiety out the wazoo, and felt.
All I know is...
Family means the world to me. And with family, I'm including my friends. My dad's entire side was able to travel to Canada for the funeral and we spent five short, but fantastic days together. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I wish we lived closer. Despite the circumstances that brought us all together, we had the best time. Watching old home videos, thinking of our Pampie, and supporting one another. We drank whiskey at the wake, and ate pie until our pants didn't fit. My friends, oh my beautiful group of friends, thank you for the "I'm thinking of you" texts. Every single one meant more than you know.
Life is short. I hadn't seen my cousin Bailey in TEN years. A decade. What struck me most about that (besides that being waaay too long), was how fast a decade went. Where did that time go? What did I do? Living each day with intention can seem exhausting. We have to take care of ourselves. We have to push ourselves out of the house when we're feeling insecure, or blue. We have to work hard for what we want. And when we work hard, we have to have a couch day. Because couch days are the best.
I want to be happy. Doesn't happiness seem like something so easy to catch, but so easy to lose? I'm a feeler. Meaning, I feel hard. And on top of that, I'm a thinker. And I think hard. Too damn hard. I'm extremely tough on myself. Never thinking I'm doing enough, never thinking I'm good enough, never thinking I am enough. I get weighed down by the hardness of life, and all I really want is to be happy. Isn't that what we all want? So how do we reach that? That sometimes unattainable happy trophy. Some days, I don't know. So I trudge through those and lean on my friends and family. I think of everything that makes me happy. I think of all that has been given to me and that I've earned. I think about how lucky I am to have a voice. How lucky I am to be loved. And when that doesn't work, I grab some wine (some days are harder than others, ya know?)
It's okay to be sad. Life is hard, people. And sometimes it sucks all of the energy from your body. It's okay to feel. It's okay to say you need help. And if you get dismissed, don't give up! Keep talking to people, or reading, or doing whatever it is that pulls you from the suck. Shit, talk to me, I get it!
Sorry, I have a lot of feelings tonight. And thinkings. And sometimes I just have to get them all out.
What matters most to you? What drives you on? What makes you happy?
Until next time,
"You can only come to the morning through the shadows." -J.R.R. Tolkien