Jimmy and I have a little game we sometimes like to play.
We say, "Okay, on the count of three, say if you do want kids or if you don't."
And then we answer truthfully without overthinking it too much.
Is it a weird game? Maybe, but whatevs. What's funny (to me) is that our answers often change. When we played two years ago in the midst of my hormonal fling with 4 rounds of Clomid, my answer was obvious. Duh, of course, I want kids. Why else would I be putting myself through this?
But then came the period of time I like to refer to as "the dark year" where I was battling anxiety and depression and nothing seemed happy or right in my world. That year was a resounding "NO." I didn't want to bring a child into my messed up life.
Sometimes I think biology and time are little bitches. That term "biological clock" makes me want to pull my hair out. But, the fact remains, that clock keeps on ticking. I've struggled with this the first part of 2017. I feel like I'm coming to the game late in finally figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. So, I feel like I should be 22, not 29. And yes, I know, 29 isn't old and I do still have time, but my body is a strange one riddled with ovarian cysts. The fact that Clomid didn't work makes me feel like the clock is ticking faster, with more intensity.
But, I'm scared. Is that normal? I'm scared of fertility treatments. What if the process of trying makes me crazy? I'm scared of what having a baby means for my life. I'm selfish, I like my free time. I like watching five episodes of a mind-numbing show on Netflix. I want to get healthier before trying again. Can I? What if one day I want to live somewhere beautiful but the school system is shit? What if I drop him or her? What if I get hit by a bus, leaving them mother-less? I love writing. When will I do that?
All of these questions and scenarios slosh 'round and 'round in my brain. Some are valid, some are a bit out there, I'll admit. They keep me up at night. Benadryl is my best friend.
Why do I want to have a baby? Because as a woman, that is my societal norm? Because they are oh so squishy and who wouldn't want one? Because being a mother would be a messy, yet beautiful experience? THE experience?
Two nights ago, we played the game. Right away, I said "Yes."
That's how I feel right now, I do want to be a mom. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared. It doesn't mean I don't have questions.
Am I cray? All my mom's out there, did you feel this way before you had kids? Any advice?
Thanks for reading my Thursday ramblings.
Until next time,
P.S. PCOS warriors- for two months I have been taking a supplement called Ovasitol. Ovasitol is a proprietary blend of inositol which is naturally made in the body and a member of the B vitamins family (so NOT a pharmaceutical drug requiring a prescription). Research shows that two forms of inositol: Myo-inositol and d-chiro-inositol (both of which are in Ovasitol) can help with insulin resistance, ovarian function, and a decrease in excess androgens. When paired with a healthy lifestyle, many women have also lost weight. I will tell you, since taking this supplement, I have had regular periods! What the what?! That has never been the case for me when I'm off birth control. I will continue to update my blog on other great things I see when taking Ovasitol.
***The $90 is a THREE month supply, don't stroke out!***
Here's an overview of one study done with women taking Ovasitol.
P.P.S This book has been so ridiculously helpful in my PCOS fight. The author is smart, to the point, and has given me 1000x more info than any regular doctor has. Sorry, not sorry.