My family, myself included, is an emotional one.
Not in a bad way, but in a let’s talk about our issues and beat them to death with a hammer and ignore the advice we get and go at it alone.
Only to repeat the procedure a couple weeks later when we discover going at it alone didn’t work.
We’ve never been a “sweep it under the rug” type of family. We’re more of the scream at each other, slam doors, hug it out and laugh ten minutes later type of family. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s how we are. When Jimmy first entered the family, I could tell he was a bit shell-shocked. I believe the words “loud” and “passionate” were used. (Sorry, kind of.)
So, when Jimmy and I went to Houston this past weekend to visit the family and pick up a nice, old, “cash car” for me (explanation later), I was excited. I love my family. We’re a bit nutty, but we love one another. But I was met with a strange aura in the house. Silence and stress and anxiety. I lasted about a day and a half before I cracked and said: “what gives?!”
We grabbed a beer and some lunch and went around the circle and played a little game. “Tell me the top three things bothering you right now.” Free therapy, people!
The funny thing is, even though I hadn’t seen my parents, sister, and brother-in-law in about a month, I already knew what was bothering them. And they knew about my stressors and anxieties. But it was still nice to vocalize them. To get out what was bothering us. After we did that, we talked about one thing we could do to help with our stressors this week. Then we drank wine, ate chocolate, and watched a movie. (Their Finest--SO good, until it rips your heart out. I'm still not over it)
Since I love to be uber-transparent on my blog (it’s essentially a journal to me), I will share with you my three things.
1. The mixture of wanting to succeed so fiercely as a writer and the crippling fear that comes with that
So, my mind is weird. Have you ever wanted something so much that you kind of start to self-sabotage and give up on your dream so the decision is yours and you don’t have to say you failed at it? That’s some warped shit, am I right? The month of July, I found myself doing that. I was struggling to put words on the page. I was struggling with the direction of my life. I was worried I’d never get my book published (I still worry). Basically, I was a big worry ball. And I started to think about giving up. Writing here and there, but not making it such a big deal. When I started investigating why I was feeling that way, I realized part of me wanted to quit before I failed. Because the fear of failure is real. And ugly. And insecurities can eat your alive if you let them. But just when I was about to scrape down realllly low, I got just what I needed. Validation that what I am doing is right. And a verbal kick in the ass from my mom and sister. Stop being a pansy. Fight for your dream. Be happy. I'm at peace with my tiny mental downfall. It was needed, it's over, I can do this!
2. “The kid thing"
I touched on this in a recent blog post, my fears and uncertainties about having children. About re-visiting the dreaded fertility treatments. No matter what anyone says, having fertility problems messes with your mind (you can see I live in my head a bit too much, huh?). It makes you feel like less of a woman. Like you’re not able to do one of the major things your body is supposed to do. And I already can be a hormonal basket case at times, so the thought of pumping more hormones into me scares the daylights outta me. But, we’ll do what we gotta do, and I’ve accepted that. I have bastard little ovaries and dysfunctional lady bits, so we will proceed with the help of science. I used to fear that using IUI and IVF was like playing God. That I’m trying too hard. That PCOS is a sign I’m not supposed to have kids. Sometimes those thoughts still hang around and wiggle in my mind. I guess that’s why I’m struggling still. Do we ever know the right or correct direction to take our lives?
3. My body and struggle with losing weight
Blah, this is ongoing. I don’t like being uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling unhealthy. The frustration is real. Bodies are strange, and while on one hand I know I should love and accept my body, the other hand is not for it. The other hand is pissed off and slapping me silly across the face. Get with it!!
Now, what are some things I could do this week, immediately, to help relieve some of these stressors?
-Well, I need to start believing and speaking out loud about my strengths. Even if it’s just to the mirror. Or in the words on this blog. I need to not let fear dictate my decisions and movements. I need to take each day at a time and fight for what I want.
-I also need to talk to other women going through the same thing as I am. One reader reached out to me recently and let me know about a group that meets in Dallas that supports one another through infertility. I’ve been scared to go. Why? I don’t know, newness is scary. But it might be something great. Something needed.
-I know I can’t handle dairy at all. Or avocados now (I’m still in denial about this one). I know I have an unrequited love affair with bread (so sad). I know sugar is one of the worst things a woman with PCOS can ingest. So, dammit, Kelly. Stop eating those things!!! Le sigh.
Honestly, talking about the things bothering you can be tough. It’s an invite into your heart and mind. Sometimes, those places are messy. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about your mess, write them down. Then follow it up with one thing you can do today to make tomorrow easier. To lessen your stress and anxiety.
It’s hard, but it helps. And as always, I’m here with a listening ear also.
Until next time,
P.S. We have been a one car family for about 3 months now after Jimmy got in a car accident and the insurance company totaled his car. He was fine, but the car wasn't. Well, one car worked for a bit, but I was slowly losing my mind not having any control over my day and essentially acting as a taxi service to take Jimmy to and from work if I ever needed the car. So, we bought a "cash car," something cheap but reliable to last us until our next move. I'm the proud new owner of 2006 Subaru Outback... Sex on wheels that thing!