Another month flew by. I’ve got to stop thinking about time. It’s moving way too fast for my liking. But it doesn’t feel so scary since I’ve been trying to live with a bit more intention. Not like a bump on the couch watching my life whizz by.
I’m making plans. Focusing on what brings happiness and contentment and less on what I think I need or want. That’s not to say it’s always easy. Or that some days I don’t still lie starfish in bed wondering “WTF am I doing with my life?”
But, each day, week, month I learn something. It might be shallow and unimportant, or it might just blow my mind. That’s the fun thing about life. It's wide and vast and always ready to teach. Always ready to pull us from the mundane and thrust us into the action. We only have to pay attention and be ready for its call.
So what major and minor things did I discover this month? Let’s see.
I don’t do well with things I can’t control.
This concept is interesting to me because I’ve only noticed this trait rear its ugly head over the last couple of years. I used to fly by the seat of my pants, without a care in the world. But now, I’ve turned into a bit of a control freak. It’s annoying. And sometimes mentally exhausting. Right now, it's waiting to hear any news on my book. I check my email with a neurotic tendency, even though I have alerts set to notify me if my agent checks in. Still, I check. And sigh. And check again. When I’m writing or editing, I’m in control. When it’s out there in the hands of others, yeeshk. Does anyone have any tips on controlling their inner control freak? I’d love to hear them.
It’s difficult to break out of the comfort zone you’ve cemented yourself into.
Remember carefree Kelly? Neither do I. Well that’s a lie, I see glimpses of her every now and then. But I want her back. I want to break out of the anxiety that’s held me back these past 2-3 years. I want to try new things and live without fear. I recently started reading You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. It teaches you how to stop doubting your greatness and start living the life you want. It’s funny and thought-provoking. A quote from it really stuck with me. It says…
You have to get uncomfortable. You have to leave the safety of your house and get out there. So that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Experience life without the doubts. Somedays it’s not easy. Some days the insecurities creep in. But the life I want is out there.
If/when Jimmy and I have kids, I think I’ll be able to handle it.
At the beginning of the month, I went down to Houston to help my mom watch the twins while Kasey and Eric were out of town. Wow. It was eye-opening, to say the least. It’s exhausting and loud and wonderful and sad and fabulous. Spending time with them was so much fun. They say the craziest things. They’re sweet and kind. They’re crazy and wild. And then, last weekend, I went to visit my best friend Katie and her two kiddos. It was so nice to catch up and get to know her babies. When I was driving home, the thought came to me again. “I could do this!” Is it weird to wonder these things? Like can I keep children alive? Will I lose my sanity? I might some days, but for some reason, I feel better about the kid thing this month.
The joy of a good movie (or four).
If you haven’t seen Black Panther, stop what you’re doing and GO NOW! It’s a fantastic story and the visuals are phenomenal. Seriously, it deserves all the awards for costume and set design. It’s also a really important movie for our society right now. Plus, Chadwick Boseman. So handsome.
I also watched Lady Bird, The Edge of Seventeen, and Irreplaceable You (Netflix). Lady Bird and The Edge of Seventeen were hilarious and heartfelt coming of age stories. The comedic moments were laugh out loud funny, especially every scene between Hailee Steinfeld and Woody Harrelson in The Edge of Seventeen. Beyond the humor, both movies were about the difficulties of growing up and the love we have for our family even when they drive us crazy.
Irreplaceable You was a tear jerker. Actually, I might have blubbered a bit, so it’s more than a tear jerker. It’s about a woman in her thirties who is unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer (she thinks she's pregnant). She’s engaged to her childhood sweetheart. She’s happy. She’s not ready to leave. It’s also got a great supporting cast in Kate McKinnon and Christopher Walken. Have we maybe seen this movie plot before? Sure. But when something can elicit a good cry on a Sunday afternoon, it’d be silly not to promote it.
I’m proud of myself for sticking to my new way of eating.
Since January 1st, I’ve been primarily gluten and dairy free. I have my slip-ups. Or I have my moments where I choose to eat something I’m not supposed to. But the freedom in those moments is what I attribute my success to. I used to be an all or nothing “dieter.” I’d get so hard on myself when I cheated or failed that I’d eventually give up. But, now I realize I can have a piece of wedding cake. I can be a bit easier on myself during out of town weekends. I can indulge a smidge during my period week. It doesn’t mean I have to quit or give up on the good progress I’ve made. And I believe I have made progress. I feel so much better. I don’t bloat near as much. My headaches and joint pain have decreased. I believe I’ve mentioned before that I don’t weigh myself. The number inevitably sends me into a tailspin, so I focus on non-scale victories. Like my discovery last week that I went down a dress size! Woot!
What lessons or fun things did you discover in February? Or were your realizations more serious and difficult?
Let me know!
Until next time,
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