It’s been an interesting week. Is interesting the right word? No, probably not.
It’s been one of those weeks where I don’t really remember what happened on Monday. Or really Tuesday for that matter. Is this concerning? I have no idea.
I struggled a lot this week with my confidence. And doubt.
When returning to blogging, I decided I wanted to be completely open and transparent. But I soon realized I can’t pick and choose what I want to be honest about. Seems kind of counterintuitive using this venue as a source of journaling and relief, and at the same time occasionally holding back.
So here it goes… I took a step back from my SANE job. And I’m feeling uncomfortable, guilty, and relieved. Numerous factors went into stepping away. The on-call schedule caused a plaguing anxiety (I thought had left me alone) to rear its ugly head. Having an on-call position also wasn’t financially stable, and while I hate to discuss money when it comes to a job such as this, it’s still, well, a job.
But man, I have been beating myself up. I hate anxiety. I hate that I hadn’t had a panic attack in years, but had one getting ready to go into work. I feel weak. Like I’m not strong enough to get my shit together while these women are experiencing one of the worst moments of their lives.
I know I need to take care of myself if I can ever properly take care of someone else. I know this. But the guilt lingers. And I’m sure it will for some time. It’s the same way I felt after leaving my pediatric oncology job. Like Kelly, get it together! There’re more horrific things happening in the world than your anxiety. So, you can maybe understand the dip in confidence.
I’m writing again. I took a break after completing my second book (out on submission either now or very soon!) and then got waylaid by five weeks of bronchitis. The project I’m working on now feels personal and necessary. That little itch of excitement crawls up my spine when I sit down to flesh out my outline (I’m a planner. I love outlines). And I know it’s where I need to be.
I think my wish, or dream, is that I can help people in this way. I might not have been strong enough to help as a nurse, but maybe, just maybe, my words and books will soothe someone’s troubles. Or take them away from a difficult day and transport them somewhere else.
Until then, I’ll continue to write. And create. My writing group met last night, and while we’ve all hit a bit of a rut, it was a joy to see each one of us light up about new ideas. Or the promise of putting words to paper. It was the first time in a long while we had most of the group together, and it was honestly what I think a lot of us needed. What I think the world needs.
A lot of laughter and little understanding.
Leave me a comment about how your week went. Your struggles and your successes.
Happy Friday and an even happier weekend!
Until next time,