I feel conflicted writing this post.
Mostly because there’s this small part of me that worries about what people will think. You know that nagging insecurity that started sometime during our awkward years of middle school and likes to rear its ugly head every so often.
But then I remember it’s my blog. And I choose to write it, so, here goes nothing.
My only ask is that you read the whole thing before rolling your eyes and telling me everything is fine.
Our day five and final number of frozen embryos was pretty disappointing. We had 12 on day three but ended up two days later with only three. Now here is where I’d like to place my disclaimer before explaining why the news was somewhat heart wrenching. I am beyond happy that we ended up with any embryos at all. I know many women (personally and have read about) who didn’t end up with any and had to start over. So, I am very happy for my little 3!
When I was younger (and much more naïve), I always pictured having a big family. Four kids, wrap around porch, the whole American/Canadian dream. It’s a little laughable now in the face of infertility, but it’s still my dream. And with one “Here are your results” email, the dream somewhat died. I realize now it was probably naïve to have hopes for a lot of kids. I’m doing IVF for craps sake. I should have given up that dream long ago. I should be happy with what I get. But coming to terms with your own reality is sometimes not as easy as it seems.
Since my doctor wanted to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with me due to my high risk of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS), Jimmy and I made the personal decision to have our embryos tested for any genetic abnormalities. And because of this decision, I’m even more worried for our little three. Because statistically, we will lose at least one embryo, if not multiple, during this process (not because of the process, but because of an abnormality).
I didn’t plan well (mentally) for a huge number drop. From day one to day three when we went from 13 to 12. I was hardly worried. I thought we would go into genetic testing with an excellent buffer. Enough embryos that I wouldn’t worry if we lost some to abnormalities because my dream of a big family would still be intact. In an instant, I lost that buffer. I lost every bit of padding against things going wrong. And, to be honest, it pissed me off.
This journey is so exhausting. I don’t mean to be whiney, but it just is. Emotionally, physically. And there’s a flaw in my personality that fears coming off as weak, complaining, or making too much about me. I suffer, but I’m sometimes terrified to show I’m suffering. I’m scared people roll their eyes behind my back and think “God, Kelly is so dramatic.” My sister would say, “Feck what other people think.”
I’m hopeful, but I’m also a realist. And hence the tears, the twisted gut, the weight on my shoulders. I’ve done a lot of “putting the cart before the horse” this week. I’ve gone to the edge, peered over, and had to pull myself back. It’s just the way I am. I have to imagine the worst possible scenario (none of them make it, and we start back at day 1) to the best possible scenario (all of them make it, Hurray!).
The testing takes about two weeks to get the results. The waiting will be the hardest part. I’m doing better today. I’m able to not worry about it every waking second. And I’m keeping myself busy as best I can. That’s really all I can do. I put aside the anger over having to do any step of this. I tucked away my cries of unfairness. Of hurt. Of feeling less than. Of feeling guilty over Jimmy getting stuck with me and my jacked-up ovaries. Sometimes, that’s the hardest part. Not succumbing to the evil voice in your head that tells you your husband would be better off with someone who could give him babies without spending the amount of a new 2019 Toyota Rav4.
This is infertility. It’s a wretched bitch. But it’s real. And it’s taught me a lot about myself and life. And maybe one day I’ll understand why it was my journey. But today, I’ll find something to occupy my time and check off the calendar box before going to bed. One more day down.
How do you keep yourself busy in times of having to wait? What are some suggestions for occupying my time? I want to stay active, but I also love reading and being crafty!
Until next time,